I suffer with depression and right now it is kicking my ass.

I must apologise as I am writing this purely as a cathartic exercise. I am not asking for pity or sympathy, in fact I am not asking anyone to read this but it was one of the options given to me by my counsellor a couple of years ago in relation to clearing my head and maybe feeling a bit better. 

For the last few weeks I have been on a steady downward slope and right now I feel I am almost at the bottom. I know this because I have unfortunately been here before and more than once. I am miserable and I can't seem to do anything about it. I have suffered with this for years but only actually went to a Dr for the first time about 4 years ago. My doctor quickly arranged for me to see a counsellor for some CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and this went on for 12 weeks. It definitely helped and am currently waiting for confirmation of a new appointment as I feel I have reached a stage where I need to start seeing and talking to someone again even if it is to go over the same stuff. As I mentioned earlier this is one of the exercises the doc gave me to do and this is the first time I have felt I need to try this because right now I will try anything. 

In the last 2 weeks I have got about 3 hours sleep a night or when I have not had to get up I can sleep for 12 hours plus and I still feel exhausted. One of the reasons for this is the fact that my brain cannot seem to switch off. As I start to feel worse I know it is coming, I know what I have to try and do but this becomes harder and worry becomes the predominant aspect for me. I worry about everything, I lay in bed and worry about going to work, I worry about seeing people, I worry about the future that feels so far away, I worry about relationships and I worry about how I am going to get over this. I know from talking to my counsellor that this is something that I can try and address through different exercises and forcing myself to think differently but this is hard and in recent times has become harder and harder. 

I have been on anti-depressants for nearly 4 years now and started on Citalopram 20mg and for a while they were doing the trick working alongside the other ways I was trying to control this. Christmas 2011 I had a really bad dip and the Dr recommended I move onto 40mg which I am still on to this day. I am now wondering whether I need a  higher dose or maybe a different one to see if that helps. 

There are elements of my life that I do not like and one of those is my job, It is not a job I want to do as a career and see it only as a stop gap. Indeed, I have taken what I see as a positive step and cut my hours and use my free Wednesdays to volunteer in a local Primary School to gain the experience I need to start training as a teacher this time next year. I love my Wednesdays in the school and know it is what I want to do and have put it off in the past for different reasons. But, however much I try and keep positive about this next year feels like it will never come. I can barely think past tomorrow and it is scary. I feel trapped. I obviously took a pay cut to do this as I needed the free time and I knew this was going to mean a change in my lifestyle but with bills to pay I worry almost constantly that I have done the wrong thing (I don't always feel like this and when I don't I know I have made the right choice but it is so hard to keep that thought in my head) 

I did not make it in to work at all last week as I was both physically and mentally exhausted. I laid in bed every night and I would cry because in all honesty I was hoping that if I did ever get to sleep that I wouldn't wake up again. Everything just felt too hard and it still does. I am trying to keep myself doing things and spending time with people but it is hard and all I really want to do is get under my duvet and stay there. I feel lonely even when I am with people but at the same time I just want to be on my own. Sometimes I feel like packing a bag and just going somewhere where no one knows me. But I know deep down that this wont help because it will catch up with me. I have quit jobs, moved house and even ended relationships because of how I felt, The difference is now I know why I feel so low and miserable. Back then I assumed I just didn't like it and needed a change. I currently live in a house share with good people  in a pretty nice house, I live in Leeds which is a city that I love, I have good friends and a girlfriend who I love dearly yet I feel awful. And this has a negative affect as I feel so selfish. I do not have any problems that a lot of people go through and there are many people who have the right to feel far worse than me. I have been told that this is a chemical problem in the brain and it is not based on past experience yet I still feel guilty about how I feel. 

I feel guilty about how lazy I become. I do less round the house and I worry this will cause issues down the line but I find it so hard to get motivated. I feel guilty that I may project this onto other people and I do not like telling people as everyone has their own problems and their own lives to worry about they shouldn't have to worry about me. I feel guilty that I don't think I can make my friends and girlfriend as happy as I should because I can be so miserable around them. Even though I really do not enjoy my job I have always previously done my best whatever I was doing and not bring my personal stuff to work. I currently do not feel I am doing that and I am letting myself and everyone else down. I feel like everyone would be better off if I was not around. I am not writing this for sympathy or as an ask for help. This is something I have to face and sort out. Even if it never goes away completely I need to learn how to control it better than I have so far. I have felt sorry for myself before and have often wanted to swap places with anyone but I am hoping this exercise will help me and hopefully in a few weeks I will have some more counselling sessions lined up. I definitely need some help right now and I am not ashamed to admit it. I am not proud of the fact but I have realised that I cant do this on my own as I am not strong enough for that. I cannot explain how I feel physically but lethargy is one aspect that makes things so difficult but who knows, if anyone reads this and notices anything similar that is happening to them then maybe this has been a help. I do not hate my life. I feel like I do but I have to try and remember it is not how I am actually thinking and things are and will be a lot better than how they currently feel.

Review: WEST END HOUSE, KIRKSTALL

REVIEW: WEST END HOUSE, KIRKSTALL

The West End House sits on the corner of the busy A65 linking Kirkstall to Horsforth and is only minutes away from the beautiful Kirkstall Abbey. Built of Yorkshire stone the frontage is that of a pub that has stood for many years and long been the focal point for the people of Kirkstall. Walking in through the front door up some fairly steep steps you are almost immediately in front of the well fashioned wooden and brass bar which is well stocked with everyday lagers including Stella Artois and Carling to Fruit ciders and on cask a usual line up of four cask ales and 2 hand pulled ciders. The Ales are usually locally sourced and on my last visit they included the very good Leeds Brewery Yorkshire Gold, Sun Chaser from Golden Pippin (which was new to me) and previous to this they had Leeds Pale, Saltaire Blonde by Saltaire Brewery and Guzzler by York Brewery. The choice is rarely better than good and the beer is well looked after by the knowledgeable and friendly staff, Indeed the pub was the proud recipient of the Leeds CAMRA Winter pub of the season in 2012. The staff are never more than friendly and chatty and on occasion the Landlord will walk his two massive wolf like dogs through the bar who are also very friendly. 

The bar is split with seating in the entrance side of the bar sprawling from the left windows with tables and stools and a couple of tall tables to stand around while watching the big TV for the sport (They regularly show Football and Rugby League) With the seating on the right hand side is wooden chairs and tables often made up for the customer who have come to eat and the pub seems to do a good trade off this. Then up a couple of stairs that lead behind the bar there is more seating. There are slightly less windows up this end  but it is still finely lit. Music plays in the background and there is a jukebox for tunes of your own choice but the music is never intrusive.There is an outside area to the right of the pub. It is narrow and holds around 8 tables and is fenced in but never feels cramped and is a very comfortable garden but due to the space and the concrete floor it is not ideal for children. 

The pub hosts quizzes on Tuesdays and Thursdays They are fun and well attended and rounds can include music quiz, general knowledge and Play your Cards Right.

Whether you are looking for a casual drink, Fun quiz night or looking to the watch the sport West End House can provide all of these and I am very happy to have it as my local and the beer has never failed to deliver.

Website: www.westendleeds.co.uk/

Twitter: @westendleeds

LEEDS IS BUZZING

And with the economy still struggling and growth becoming something of the past I take great joy that Leeds really does seem to be bucking the trend. It may help that Leeds has the biggest financial district outside of London and the biggest amount of solicitors in one city about from London or maybe the most green space per person than anywhere outside of London but all I know is I am very positive about Leeds at the moment and there are a few reasons.

Trinity Leeds being the only shopping centre in the UK to open this year has rejuvenated an area of Leeds that has been dead space since I moved here. The shops inside might not be to every ones taste but with new shops never seen in Leeds, Other shops in Leeds moving into Trinity taking bigger space and creating more jobs, my new favourite cinema in the Everyman and new restaurants and bars the positivity it has left around the city is there for all to see and feel

Leeds Loves Food Millennium Square

Another reason is vast array of event on in Leeds almost every weekend. I have recently been to farmers markets on Briggate, Leeds Loves Food which culminated in a weekend of stalls, presentations and loads of food turning Millennium Square into an attack on the senses, Leeds Loves Cocktails which brought lots of different bars in Leeds together selling new cocktails at fantastic prices and offering workshops daily for the week it was running; Both events will only go from strength to strength. Coming up is the annual Waterfront Festival which runs along the river and canal from The Royal Armouries along up toward Granary Wharf and incorporating Brewery Wharf along the way. Bars, restaurants and public spaces taken up with samples, great food, great beer, family friendly events and hopefully the weather will hold out for again, what is a brilliant event which shows off great elements of Leeds. And my personal favourite.... the German Market will be back in November.

My main talking point in this Blog is alcohol so that brings me to my third reason why I am so positive is the new pubs, bars and restaurants that seem to be opening on a monthly basis in and around the City centre. This week alone I learnt of three new pubs to be opening soon and the brilliance of this is they are all owned by Local Breweries. The Crowd of Favours on Harper Street in the City opens on Saturday (22ND June) and this is the next pub to join the superb Leeds Brewery chain of pubs that includes the Midnight Bell, The Pin and The White Swan. The Old Peacock next to Elland Road is currently undergoing renovation work and will soon open as an Ossett Brewery pub and closer to home for me is the the Old Bridge Inn next to Leeds Rhinos training ground which is due to open in July/August time and this pub is from the excellent Kirkstall Brewery pub so a nice pint of Three Swords will be on my list of things to do as soon as it opens. Trinity brought with it The Alchemist, The Botanist and Angelica as new bars to Leeds and the Botanist has already become a bar frequented by me regularly with some well kept real ales and a varied and sometimes weird cocktail list. Brew Dog Leeds has become a favourite of many with its vast selection of American craft ales, The Pourhouse in Granary Wharf has been around since the turn of the year and still seems to be evading many people but with regular Wharfebank and other local ales on it has become well established by the people that have found it. Again, it is a brewery pub with Wharfebank doing a great job.
Friends of Ham has not been in Leeds long but with its vast selection of drinks and what is certainly a unique feel it has already managed to gain itself a nomination on the shortlist of best pub in the UK in Shortlist Magazine, the only other pub in Leeds that made the list is the much more established North Bar which along with Brew Dog is considered by someone I know well of making up the "holy trinity of ales houses in Leeds"
Further away in Otley The Otley Tavern has opened as a freehold pub and soon North Bar Otley will be opening so the mass of pubs in Otley shows no signs of slowing up and it is a place I thoroughly recommend.

a welcome addition to the skyline

Then there is what could be the jewel in the crown in The First Direct Arena which is to open soon with acts including Bruce Springsteen, Depeche Mode and Miranda Hart. The Arena is great for local people but like Trinity Leeds it is going to bring people in from further a field and is certainly going to challenge Sheffield and Manchester Arenas for supremacy and acts. The Merrion centre is already attracting new restaurants during its external renovation and this is a continuation with new restaurants such as Reds True BBQ, Handmade Burger Company and Origin 7 all moving in recently to offer a bit of everything for the people of Leeds and Yorkshire.

Things are not perfect with some shops having to close down and not all pubs and bars survive but with the optimism in Leeds at the moment it is somewhere people should feel very proud of.

SUMMER IS HERE

And for many of us that means one thing...well a few things but one thing in particular stands out...where is the Beer garden? So this is a guide to some of the best beer gardens in Leeds. It does not necessarily mean the best pubs so please do not blame me if the alcohol isn't the best as sometimes we all have to take a hit to get what we want so without further nonsense these are a few beer gardens that I could happily spend my day.

The Calverley Arms (Calverley LS28)

Even with dramatic skies the garden looks fantastic as does the pub.

Im going straight in with a bold statement and saying that this is THE BEST beer garden in Leeds. This may be biased as I spent 18 months living in Calverley and spent many an hour in the beer garden looking down the valley towards the canal and up the other side towards Horsforth. It is a huge beer garden with the good old wooden tables and enough grassy area for the kids to run around and not bother any of the folk looking for a quiet drink. The view is second to none for a beer garden and the other great thing about the Calverley arms is the beer is very good. Usually a selection of three well kept ales and a good selection of ice cold lagers. I think the food could be better for what you pay but that is a small moan as I have eaten there a few times and always been content with what I had. I love this beer garden.

BEST WHEN: a walk along the canal from Leeds or Kirsktall and a nice stop at the pub to look back on where you have walked.




Calls Landing (City Centre LS2)

stunning views down to Leeds Bridge

Ohhhh yes. Calls Landing does not have the biggest of beer gardens but with its view towards Leeds Bridge (one of my favourite city views) and it being on the river this is a must for anyone looking for a fantastic setting and also great beer. I spend many a day or evening in Calls Landing in good or bad weather but it really comes into its own when the sun is beaming. A grace that Calls has that others dont is uninterrupted sun (save for cloud etc but we cannot hold them accountable for that) some pubs in Leeds have the misfortune of having really nice outside areas but the inconvenience of big tall building blocking the sun for sometimes hours at a time. The one that comes to mind is The Hop. A fantastic pub but The doubletree hotel really does block a lot of the sun and makes it much less of an attractive proposition. Anyway back to the Calls. my one gripe of the ale is they only have 3 pumps on when there is bar space for a couple more and  2 of these pumps are permanent fixtures which one is Theakstons Best and the Hop Studio's XP neither excite me massively but are okay.
The Lager selection is good with many of the newer Craft beers in cans and bottles holding pride of place in the fridges and with a choice of stews for around £7 Calls Landing is a permanent fixture for many in Leeds.
BEST WHEN: After work, After a shopping trip or every sunny weekend.

The Mustard Pot (Chapel Allerton LS7)

festivals, bonfire parties The Mustard Pot has it all

I must confess Chapel Allerton is somewhere I do not get to anywhere near enough and The Mustard Pot is one of the reasons I should go more often. Why? Well the beer garden mainly. very green and very nicely spaced out it is a haunt where I could sit from open til close (drinking responsibly of course) and if I did drink too much I could help myself by having some of their very respectable food. The best pint of Budvar I have ever had was in The mustard Pot and although a little pricey this does help with the people who tend to visit the pub. With Chapel Allerton becoming a go to place for young professionals and couples The Mustard  Pot is a brilliant spot for people watching and with a lot of sun but shade from some of the trees it really does feel like a perfect lazy sunday venue.
BEST WHEN: After work or on a sunday afternoon

The Original Oak (Headingley LS6)

you should find a table

The Original Oak is one of the busiest pubs in Leeds. This can be a good thing (its always good when pubs are busy) but with it being in Headingley it can often be overrun with students drinking Carlsberg as it is cheap. Regardless of your attitude to students and the quality of the pub, recently they have put in place a no fancy dress rule which has certainly has an effect on the people going in and has made it more bearable, the Beer garden is superb. row after row of old wooden tables with a covered area if the sun becomes too much
there is a bug screen up playing lots of major sporting events. The garden can get very busy and be prepared to queue for a long time for a drink but if you are there for the long haul then that is not so much of a problem. The lager choice is pretty average as you would expect in a student area but they do have a couple of good ales with one of the Leeds Brewery ales normally on. The joy is during the summer many of the students have gone home and it becomes a local pub again if only for a few months.
BEST WHEN: The student contingent have gone home.

Oracle bar (City Centre LS2) I really dislike this bar. The lager selection is awful and everything is served in straight, tall pint glasses and more than once I have had to send a beer back to the bar. But it does have a nice outside area on the opposite side of the river to Calls Landing.
BEST WHEN: You cannot fit in Calls Landing and you want to keep an eye on it to see if anything comes available.

Honourable mentions: The old Ball (Horsforth) The Hop, Cuvee and The Pour House (Granary wharf), The Cuthbert Broderick, All Bar One and Spice bar (Millenium Square)

I do like a good drink

After being in Leeds for 5 years, Like many others I moved here for University and never left, I thought to myself "well I drink a lot of Ale, I like to venture to many pubs, bars and restaurants and the pub industry is something I care a lot about so why not write some of my thoughts, ideas and reviews down?". It does not matter if anyone reads them but they can be there for me. So that is what I am doing.
So where to begin? Well I think maybe a good place to start is a roundup of my favourite pubs and bars. Leeds is fantastic for drinking holes and there is a variety to make sure any type of drinker or occasion is catered for. I do not consider myself a beer snob but I do not drink Carling or Fosters and I rarely, if ever, venture to places like Yates or Varsity but my tastes are varied.
Depending on what sort of event I was out for some of the places in Leeds I enjoy spending my hard earned cash in include Calls Landing, The Hop, The Adelphi, The Pin, Call Lane Social, The Cross Keys, Whitelocks, The White Swan, Sela Bar, North Bar, The Botanist, Mojo, The Victoria Hotel, Veritas and many more that will come up in this Blog at some point. These pubs and bars, to all in the know will recognise, are all in the City Centre and I have many favourite pubs in Horsforth, Chapel Allerton, Hunslet  and other areas of Leeds and we will also get to these but for now we will stick to the City Centre.

For this first entry I am going to do my five favourite places for an Ale in the City Centre. These are a personal choice and it may not only be about the Ale on offer but also the pub itself. The feel of the place, The service, The atmosphere or even historical and personal reasons that mean they are places I enjoy going back to again and again.

In no particular order........................

1. The Victoria Hotel  

A pub that was scheduled for

With 9 Pumps it is hard to find something you will not like.

Demolition in the 70's to make way for a new Shopping Centre will always be on my list. I found this pub when I first moved to Leeds and The decor and the awesome selection of beers available was enough for me to make regular stops whether during an evening out, after a shopping trip or after a long day at work. The Grand, wide vestibule gives the sense of what the main room is going to be like. Big doors to the front, right and left as you walk in tells you that this pub has not been amended much since its inception with the separate lounge rooms which is common within many Victorian and Georgian pubs. The Main bar has a Mainly wooden floor (I would have wooden floors in every pub by choice) and a highly varnished wooden bar with nice brass features. The bar is long and opposite hosts five or six impressive booths all covered by a very high ceiling. The feeling is a warm, welcoming one with a clean bar that has kept its traditions well, apart from the recently added TV which is the only thing I dislike about the place and would of not put it up if given the choice but hell, for everything else it offers I can live with the telly, And it is at least slightly camouflaged with a picture frame type facade. The Ale selection is very welcome with sometimes up to 9 hand pumps offering different ales from all over the country from Cornwall to Scotland and even America. Tetley's and their own Nicholson's Ale seems to be semi permanent fixtures whilst the other pumps rotate on a very regular basis and it is good that the same beers are not on rotation all the time. There is very often one of the Leeds Brewery ales on but this is not a bad thing in my eyes. The food available is perfectly acceptable pub grub and very reasonably priced. This pub is great as a meeting place for a few people on a night out and also as a session pub for a nice chilled out Sunday Afternoon and, As long as their are no major changes this pub will continue to be frequented by myself and my friends.

Best by name Best by Nature

2. The White Swan

The 2nd incarnation of the pub I have known since moving up to Leeds, The original shut down around the same time the renovation of the City Varieties began and on its completion opened a new pub the same in name only. Attached directly to the City Varieties Box Office the pub is often full of the waiting audiences of whatever is on in the theatre and due its differing nature of performances, Noddy Holder in conversation to the Vagina Monologues and Michael Mcintyre can mean a varied group of pug goers and the place is all the better for it. Part of the highly successful portfolio from the guys at Leeds Brewery The White Swan is an open space with a long bar taking up the back wall, certainly not as grand as the Victoria but it is not meant to be and works just as well on entering. The music is often indie sounding but never played too loud to disturb whilst enjoying one of the Leeds Brewery Ales, Leeds Best being my personal favourite. They also give a group of their hand pumps to a different brewery on a monthly basis so a good variety of Ales is always on. I have often made this a meeting pub from nights out with friends to first dates and it never fails to impress. The food on offer is very enjoyable fare with the Fish Finger Sandwich being so much more than just a Fish Finger Sandwich. The pub plays host to different events from an American Diner takeover evening with American food and 50's and 60's music to a book club for anyone to go along and enjoy a drink and a chat about the book for that month and I personally love how pubs and bars are realising and trying new ways of bringing customers into their haunts after all there are not many places more social than a pub and believe anywhere that is opening up to different events needs to be commended and deserves support. The White Swan certainly has mine.

The stunning retained bar

3. Whitelocks 

If I wrote this 1 year ago you would not have found this pub in my top five. I felt the place was living off its reputation and not backing it up but when the sign "Under new Management" went up there was a sense of intrigue and excitement that this pub could redeem itself and reclaim its proud history and I really think it has. Not much needed to change in Whitelocks, The Brass Bar is an asset and the amount of available pumps is also. A good spring clean and tidy up, a bit of music in the background (which I do not think is always necessary but certainly worked in this instance) some good food and well looked after rotating Ales and Whitelocks was back and hopefully will stay around for a long time. I do not know who the new owners are but they deserve a lot of credit and the bar staff are always friendly and welcoming. There is not a better pub to walk into when the weather outside is cold and nasty. It gives a real sense of a welcoming meeting point that you want to spend time in to escape the elements. With its low roof and low light level it gives you the sense that is how it would of felt 200 years ago which is something I love about pubs that know their history and heritage and do not try to change it much. From visiting once every 6 months to once or twice every six days gives me a great indication of how much this pub has improved. Whitelocks is dead Long live Whitelocks.

4. The Adelphi 

When I first arrived in Leeds I was informed this was a student pub and as I was 24 when I started University I wasn't exactly at the age I was necessarily looking for student pubs so I did not venture there for my first year. A year wasted, This was far from a student pub, the only thing close to student pub territory was the quirky glass topped tables filled with peoples train tickets and other wallet filling cards they wanted to get rid of. These have now been removed and the pub is a delight. From the narrow entrance way towards the bar with individual rooms veering of to the the left and the right to the tiled floor and wooden cramped bar that does not make it the easiest place to get a drink but is part of its charm and it has meant the style and architecture of the bar has not been compromised to help this. The pub has big tall windows which allow a lot of light in and can make it quite warm on sunny days. The beer selection is good with four or five hand pumps to choose from and the beer is always well maintained (just this weekend I had an especially good pint of Landlord) and the atmosphere is always relaxed and the food is worth a gander with the Southern Fried Chicken a highlight. The Landlord is often visible and very welcoming and approachable which is another sign of a good pub and after not visiting the pub for my first year I can now not think of a reason not too.

The small but grand entrance and bar area

5. Friends Of Ham 

The big tables really help with the social feel

One of the new kids on the block Friends Of Ham has already become a must visit on my ventures around Leeds. I do not know whether it should be classed as a pub, bar or something completely different...the sign says Charcuterie.  All I know is it has brought something different to Leeds and it is very welcome. The small entrance into a nondescript deli style front gives an indication of the food on offer, Meats and Cheese platters galore. The beer selection at the bar which does have a feel of an old shop counter perhaps more than a normal pub bar is full of beers from Bristol to Baltimore and on my frequent trips I have seen a variety of ales I have not come across anywhere else and there is always something worth trying. The bar staff are very knowledgeable and helpful and will talk you through any of the drinks on sale and it is nice to meet people who can aid you into new waters. Downstairs is the seating area of Friends Of Ham and it has a very relaxed feel about it. The layout is very social with over sized tables for customers to share with others and a shuffleboard table seems very popular. There are board games and books dotted around to play and read. The sense you get from the place is that some people may spend many hours in there, It feels like a Sunday afternoon bar but really that is doing it an injustice as it is good any day or night of the week. The meat and cheese platters are exquisite and are a nice addition to the table to go along with your chosen drink. Friends of Ham has been able to tap into a market as it really offers something different and it shows with the varied clientele and will be around for a long time.

This is my personal and current top 5 places in Leeds City Centre and is in no way a slight on any of the other fantastic pubs in Leeds,  2 of the pubs on the list would not have been on their 12 months ago and it goes to show the quality and depth in Leeds and who knows who would make the list in another 12 months.

Honourable mentions to places that could have easily also been in the top 5.......The Hop, The Scarborough Hotel, North Bar, The Botanist, The Packhorse, The Midnight Bell, The Cross Keys, The Ship.

As the weather is changing the next entry on the blog will be about my favourite places to drink with outside areas in Leeds.